I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
