Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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