I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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