I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
