I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
