had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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