My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
