I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize