You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
