I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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