fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize