I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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