Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
