how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I party with great urgency now.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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