Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
