apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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