I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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