We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it's like iHOP with fire
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
