eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
