I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
