He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
