Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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