Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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