So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
