i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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