Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Non-Jews are for practice
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
