just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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