three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
My vagina is officially offended.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
