The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
