Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
