Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
