I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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