she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
