Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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