Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
