If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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