May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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