According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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