everyone is single if you try hard enough
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
