someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
