I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
