I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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