Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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