is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
