So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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