I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
