that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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