If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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