Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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