1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
love makes seman taste better
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
