I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
