I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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