that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
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