Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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