my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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