i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
How's work?
Spinning.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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