Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
