ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
