Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
